Thirst New Ending

In class, we read Thirst, and our task was to make up our own ending to the story.

I think I have done the following show not tell well.

Something I still need to work on is the 2A sentence and BOYS sentence.  

Dad shouted once more. His voice rumbled through the trees, scattering the birds that had been perched at the cans quenching their thirst. Ryder heard him. “What shall I do?” He wondered. Thoughts flooded Ryder’s head about what was going to happen when they find me. I can’t stay here any longer I think I need a new hiding spot. Ryder knew he would get a big growling or not, he didn’t know what to do. We might have to move somewhere else if they find out where I am. Where is dad?                          

Ryder’s eyes opened wider than a shark’s mouth, he was shaking in fear dad turned his head this way and slowly walked over but didn’t see me. Tears threatened to burst from his eyes, not knowing what to do. A few hours later it was starting to get late. It was cold, scary, and dark. I crept up to the door, Brooke heard me “don't freak out it’s just me let me in please”.The more Ryder thought about what was going to happen, the more scared he got. That morning before Ryder could open his eyes, his dad was standing right there “where did you get the water from” asked dad.              

RRRIIIGG there was someone at the door I did it and said Ryder just don't fire, my mum or dad, please I will do anything to make it up to you.